JOKES Corner

Title: LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at...." replied the doctor.

JDdots

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!!!!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic Engish conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Barack Obama....

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say "how r u".

Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "me to."

Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.....

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said " who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha ha...."

Then Mori replied "me too, ha ha...."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

JDdots

JDdots wrote:This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!!!!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic Engish conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Barack Obama....

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say "how r u".

Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "me to."

Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.....

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said " who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha ha...."

Then Mori replied "me too, ha ha...."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

JDdots

That was a Good One!!

Hi,

Subject: WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

And Old man goes into the drug store to buy some viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you" said Dan, the pharmacist.

"But a quarter tablet will not give you full erection!"

"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slipper"

JDdots

Hi,

It had been quite a while that this stopped posting in jokes.
Its time for another shot....

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."

"You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, assignments to satisfy her s----- urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s-- drive."

"A two bedroom loft type apartment, with Plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, " You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it first!

JDdots

Subject: MONK - THE SOUND

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, we can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him and even fix his car...,

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

we can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.....

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald...

silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door......

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turn the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. it is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

.....But I can,t tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I"M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
.................................
haha,hope you enjoy the last part.

JDdots

Here is one from me (got it via email).. guys.. warning: do not attempt this at home ..hahaha :-

Best Divorce Letter
------------------

Dear Wife,


I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

karen wrote:Here is one from me (got it via email).. guys.. warning: do not attempt this at home ..hahaha :-

Best Divorce Letter
------------------

Dear Wife,


I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Hi, Karen

Nice to have met you in person. The committee is glad to have you to help us out in last night walkabout.

You most welcome to join us in all future events/functions. At the rate we are going to meet all the residents, soon the whole Palma will be a big and friendly family.

By the way, thanks for the jokes contribution. The above joke is certainly a GOOD one. Hope other readers can share more with us in this forum.

Good day.

JDdots

Hi,

Another one to share. It goes like this....

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO THE PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

"I.ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

Is that so!" With a bit if an attitude he said, " and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed - Ain't nobody under there now!!!!"

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS..... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

JDdots

SUBJECT: Employee's letter to her boss for an increase in salary...

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

$incerely Your$

Marian $hih


-----------------

Boss reply....

Dear Marian,

I kNOw that you have been working very hard. However, NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw even the newspaper are saying that the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go to into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

NOrman Duncan
Finance Manager.


JDdots

SUBJECT: AH BENG

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He Sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, "My mobile No. has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610.

====================================================================

Ah Beng: I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
AH Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

====================================================================

Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow? tonight is final game.

====================================================================

Ah Beng: If i die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die, will u remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

====================================================================

Ah Beng: People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know?
Ah Beng: When I went to the Park today, everyone said, Oh GOD! U have come again ah?


====================================================================

Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir,all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng: "I was watching TV news...."


====================================================================

How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

====================================================================

Once Ah Beng was walking, he had a glove on one hand and not on the other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

====================================================================

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rung. He picked it up and says "hello, how did you know I was here?

===================================================================

Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race. The winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng: If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?


===================================================================

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng: The future tense is " U will go to jail"

===================================================================

Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng: "So what? Take an umbrella and go."


===================================================================

A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning?
Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

===================================================================

JDdots