JOKES Corner

Hi All,

Would like to share some jokes for your leisure reading:

If you too have some, please post them in BUT please ensure that there are NOT provocative, offensive to any one or any religion.

SUBJECT: Best Joke Award winner in UK

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here".
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japnese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the Titanic, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."


JDdots

Hi,

This is not so much of a joke but a moral story to share.. dedicated to all employees and their bosses

Subject: A Dog's Life

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg lamb, please?. The dog has money in its mouth, as well.

The buthcer looks inside and, low and behold, there is a ten dollar note there.So he takes the money and puts the saugages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decided to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in the awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its back to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. Soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the bus stop.

Its opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. He goes to the window and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jump off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV "The Life Of Me!" To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the secound time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

MORAL OF THE STORY
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of your boss's expectations.

HOW TRUE!!!!!

JDdots

SANTA ANSWERS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of the paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Caesarean section - a district in Rome
Cardialogy - advance study of poker playing
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty
Chronic - neck of a crow
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana
Dislocation - in this place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
Enema - not a friend
Fake labour - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Hernia - she is close by
Impotent - distinguished/well known
Labour pain - hurt at work
Lactose - people without toes
Lymph - walk unsteadily
Microbes - small dressing gown
Obesity - city of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize
Proteins - in favour of teens
Pulse - grain
Pus - small cat
Red blood count - Dracula
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - small table
Ultrasound - radical noise
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close


JDdots

Hi, All

Subject: NEVER LAUGH AT A CHINESE

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15,41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. while you were away, we checked out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return"

HAHAHA, Never laugh at a Chinese!....

JDdots

Another one to brighten up your day... (Its only meant to be a joke ok)

Subject: HOW THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would have to leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked an old man named Ah Pek to represent them.

As Ah Pek was not conversant in Italian language, he asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To be fair", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk"
The Pope agreed.

On that day of the big debate, Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Pek pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good in religious knowledge. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up there fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.

He had an answer for everthing. What could I do??"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community also crowded around Ah Pek and asked him what's happened in the debate.

"Well", said Ah Pek. "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I raised my third finger and asked him to f___ off, and that none of us was leaving.

Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

JDdots

Good one bro. keep it up. Where do you get them lah ???

Cheers

Hi, Siva

Haha, do you believe that I wrote all these myself? No lah, I have got many friends who send them over to me and just want to share them with our Palma friends who enjoy reading them for fun. Got lots more, only that many cannot be posted here. You know what I mean, right?

Would love to see other to post in their jokes too. I believed they have even more funny ones.

Have a nice day and cheers

JDdots

Awesome but really practical analysis of this "trade", good for all to read-- parents, young ladies, single guys and even grandparents!!!

Subject: An awesome reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here.
I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do the most rich bachelors hang out? (please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking?
I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriends? (my target now is to get married).

signed.

Ms Pretty

An awesome reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.

The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason.

The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I'm an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Any one with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.
I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.
This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO


JDdots

Hi,

Subject: IRONY OF LIFE

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a women is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag"
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to
compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Hahaha....

JDots

Hi,

This is a great one!!!!

Subject: WISDOM

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS AGO, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID " HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE."

"NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND WHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WACHING A 10-INCH BLACK & WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

*Lucky you,if your wife is so reasonable like the above. If this is my wife, then, she won't be that reasonable. She would send me to H_LL. Hahaha....

JDdots

Hi,

Another just for laughs.

Subject: SINGAPORE HOSPITALS

If you believe in "FUNG SUI"

Do you know that why "New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)?

Because NCH stands for "Never Come Home".
That's why business was very bad before it changed its name.
Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.

Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home".

Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change. Its stands for "No Use Hospital".

What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH)?
Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem. It stands for "Tiam Tiam Si Hospital".

So be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.

Good Day.

JDdots

Hi,

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee....

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'FATHER".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'YOUR GRACE'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a Cardinal, when he walks into a room, people call him 'YOUR HOLINESS'

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle look, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say "OH MY GOD".

JDdots

Hi,

One of my friends related the following jokes to me and like to share it here:

Subject: WRONG NUMBER

A man while on the way home, called and asked his daughter where her mum was.

She said, "Mum is upstairs"

The man asked, "What is she doing upstairs?"

"She is with Uncle Jeff upstairs sleeping on the bed" she replied.

The man got a shock of his life but told his daughter to hold on to the line and do not disturb her mum and Uncle Jeff while he was about to reach home soon.

While the man was in deep shocked and angry, drove at top speed to reach home as soon as possible, the daughter went upstairs to inform her mother that her daddy is on the way home.

The man was about to reach home and asked the daughter whether both of them are still in the room. She replied' "Mum went to hide in the closet and injured her forehead."

"What about Uncle Jeff? the man inquired.

"He jumped out of the window to reach the swimming pool below but missed and died at the pool side", she iterated.

The man suddenly jammed his brakes and told the girl, "I am so sorry, honey, I called the WRONG NUMBER".

Why the sudden halt?

Because he realized that his house has no swimming pool!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHA. UncleJeff dont play play.

JDdots

Hi,

Should be 2 jokes in a row.

Subject: PARACHUTE JUMP

5 persons were on the helicopter, the pilot, President Bush, Dr. M, the Pope, and a student.

While flying, the engine of the chopper got into trouble suddenly.

The pilot said "Since I am the pilot and there are 4 parachutes only, I should jump out of the chopper first". Off he went.

President Bush said "Since I an the President of The United States Of America, I have to jump second". Off he jumped.

Dr. M said "I am a very important prime minister, I need to survive too". Off he went.

Next came the Pope. "Oh I am the holiest man in this chopper but son, you jumped first. I will leave my life to god's faith".

The student replied "You and I don't have to die. We have 2 parachutes left."

The Pope was surprised and asked "How come?. I thought we have 1 parachute left".

The student said "Yup, its true that we have 4 parachutes initially. The pilot took one, Dr M took another, you and me still have one each".

The Pope inquired "How about the president?"

"Oh, he jumped with my school bag!!!!"

HAHAHAHA

JDdots

Subject: SMART OLD MAN

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruits.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: OLD MAN MAY MOVE SLOW BUT CAN STILL THINK FAST

JDdots

Title: LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at...." replied the doctor.

JDdots

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!!!!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic Engish conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Barack Obama....

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say "how r u".

Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "me to."

Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.....

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said " who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha ha...."

Then Mori replied "me too, ha ha...."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

JDdots

JDdots wrote:This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!!!!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic Engish conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Barack Obama....

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say "how r u".

Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "me to."

Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.....

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said " who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha ha...."

Then Mori replied "me too, ha ha...."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

JDdots

That was a Good One!!

Hi,

Subject: WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

And Old man goes into the drug store to buy some viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you" said Dan, the pharmacist.

"But a quarter tablet will not give you full erection!"

"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slipper"

JDdots

Hi,

It had been quite a while that this stopped posting in jokes.
Its time for another shot....

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."

"You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, assignments to satisfy her s----- urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s-- drive."

"A two bedroom loft type apartment, with Plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, " You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it first!

JDdots

Subject: MONK - THE SOUND

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, we can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him and even fix his car...,

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

we can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.....

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald...

silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door......

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turn the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. it is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

.....But I can,t tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I"M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
.................................
haha,hope you enjoy the last part.

JDdots

Here is one from me (got it via email).. guys.. warning: do not attempt this at home ..hahaha :-

Best Divorce Letter
------------------

Dear Wife,


I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

karen wrote:Here is one from me (got it via email).. guys.. warning: do not attempt this at home ..hahaha :-

Best Divorce Letter
------------------

Dear Wife,


I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Hi, Karen

Nice to have met you in person. The committee is glad to have you to help us out in last night walkabout.

You most welcome to join us in all future events/functions. At the rate we are going to meet all the residents, soon the whole Palma will be a big and friendly family.

By the way, thanks for the jokes contribution. The above joke is certainly a GOOD one. Hope other readers can share more with us in this forum.

Good day.

JDdots

Hi,

Another one to share. It goes like this....

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO THE PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

"I.ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

Is that so!" With a bit if an attitude he said, " and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed - Ain't nobody under there now!!!!"

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS..... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

JDdots

SUBJECT: Employee's letter to her boss for an increase in salary...

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

$incerely Your$

Marian $hih


-----------------

Boss reply....

Dear Marian,

I kNOw that you have been working very hard. However, NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw even the newspaper are saying that the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go to into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

NOrman Duncan
Finance Manager.


JDdots